Give me some rope I'm coming out of my head, into the clear.

Any excuse for a "Hey Girl. Amirite? 

I, Leigh Colleen Brewer, achieved a goal.

I mean, I've done that before, but not an athletic/weight loss goal like this.

I climbed by myself in the Alabama Hills. 

If you want, you can read about this goal and it's background here.

I have proof that I completed a climb.

I claim this rock in the name of the formerly chubby!

That's me! I climbed up there! I will say that it's good to have my Dad belaying me, I have absolute trust in him. I am afraid of heights. I was the girl that would get stuck in a tree or freeze as I was climbing a ladder. 

Before the climb I had pumped myself up listening to Rope by Foo Fighters and Rusty Cage by Soundgarden. 

These two songs work in the motivating my butt department.

This particular climb was located in "The Corridors" in the Alabama Hills. I believe my Mom said the climb was graded at 5.6- honestly, I don't know how grading works for climbs. I started at the base and had to work my way up into a little crevice. In this crevice, my hands found a very loose, very big rock. It was almost enough to spook me into quitting. My dad had to move to a new spot to belay me, for fear of it coming off the rest of the climb. I scrambled up, quickly trying to get away from the loose rock. I did it. I don't know how long it took me to get to the top, but it didn't seem like too long. I didn't think I'd be able to reach the top anchor and tag it. I even managed that. Then I had to turn around, swing around the top of the rock and belay down. As soon as my feet hit the ground, my Dad high-fived me and hugged me. Then I felt like crying. It was overwhelming. I had come here with deep rooted desire to prove everyone wrong- including "Fat Leigh". 

I had done that. In a spectacular place. In front of my parents, husband and kids. 

It wasn't the biggest feat of physical strength, it wasn't the fanciest climb, and it wouldn't have impressed most people. However, it imprinted on me the notion that I was much more than my weight and my preconceived notions of my physical capabilities. It's a shame that it's taken me this long to figure that out. 

Days after my climb, I still have physical signs of my accomplishment. I'm proud of them. My fingers are torn up, especially my pointer finger on my right hand. It bears three distinct "rips" & the tip is quite calloused. I have "rock rash" on my right forearm. I have a cut on my left arm by the elbow. 

My knees are clear though. I just might have some form.

This rock was frying me like an egg. I couldn't finish.

Ouchie.

I even rode a horse! I was a crazy outdoorsy type this vacation!

Guess where Cameron and I are spending our anniversary? In Lone Pine. I don't know if we'll climb, but we'll venture into the wilderness. I'll be there with him to enjoy it because I've overcome one of my biggest fears (which is ridiculous really), discomfort. 

Cheers.

....oh and one more "Hey Girl" for good measure.

Limitations and Vacation.

As I mentioned in my first post about my weight loss, I am not a sporty person. I am still not sure how I ended up with these genes. My father was a track and cross-country runner in high school. He was involved in softball at our church. He is a rock climber & loves to hike. My mother was an equestrian, she barrel raced her horses. She also completed the Redlands Bicycle Classic after having my brother Aaron 8 months before. They now run & cycle together. You can imagine that our vacations were not stagnant, leisurely stays at a cabin (there were moments of that, the stacks of library books will attest to it). There is always fishing, hiking, biking, running, swimming and of course, rock climbing. Part of our yearly vacation is spent in a rock climber's paradise, Lone Pine, California.
Lone Pine is located at the base of the highest peak in the continuous United States, Mt. Whitney (oh, have I mentioned everyone in my family but me has climbed it?). Between the small town and the the grand mountains there is a large "range of hills" called "The Alabama Hills". You've probably seen them dozens of times without ever being there. They've been used as a backdrop for films since the silent-era. They stood in for Afghanistan in Iron Man, alien planets in Star Trek and Spain in Gladiator. Our family likes to spot them in commercials, TV shows & films. These hills are a very versatile character actor.

Josiah, complete with Tony Stark goatee reenacts a scene from Iron Man.

 Besides their gig as Hollywood star, they are a premiere spot for every level of climber. My parent's pack up their Astro van with all the equipment you need to spend a few hours climbing. They will typically go early in the morning before the sun heats the rocks and then wait until evening to climb again. I don't think you want to belay off the side of rock in 116 degree heat. They have it down to a science. It's pretty impressive watching the quick set up or tear down of a climb. They typically study books my Dad has during the afternoon back at the motel. They know where they are going and get to it pretty quickly. It's fun to watch my siblings, parents and husband climb. The kids will even sit and watch. At times they get into the spirit of things.

As another year has passed and it's almost time to drive up the 395, I have thought to myself:

I'm going to climb.

I'm tired of being the odd man out. The butt of my sibling's "lazy Leigh" jokes. I am less of myself than I use to be and I'm ready to climb. I've been working out, gaining upper body strength. Now, I'm not fooling myself about my skill set. My sister, a former gymnast can be the poster child for intense climbing.

This is not from a climbing magazine. It's just my scary sister.

I think when you're overweight, you limit yourself in so many ways mentally & physically. No kids sorry, I won't go in that bounce house with you. I'm too jiggly. Nah, I can' t wear that it will look weird. I'm tired of that limit, I want to experience grander moments in my life. Last year, I actually worked myself up and did a very easy climb with my Dad's help. I think I was tired of feeling crappy. It was a month after my accident and I was tired of the fog of pain killers and keeping an ice pack on my neck.

This year I'd like to accomplish the same climb, by myself. I think that's a reasonable goal with a good implication of where I'm going with all of this weight loss/life style change. 

A friend of mine who is also in the process of changing her lifestyle and has lost over 20 pounds, includes rock climbing in her weight loss routine. She sent me a very nice message and reading it encouraged me to take up the gauntlet and climb in The Alabama Hills!

Just for fun here's a few vacation pics from Lone Pine/The Alabama Hills

Cameron has since become a pretty awesome climber. He did his first "lead" last year and even
managed to find a pair of size 13 men's climbing shoes. 

We're crazier than Burning Man in the desert.
Lauren took Mae's shirt. Ain't no thing to Mae.

Oh, yeah. Josiah steering the car in the desert.
I told you we were crazy.

My identity.

First, I need to say that this year's retreat theme could not have been more appropriate. "Identity: the truest thing about you." Needless to say I had been struggling with my identity, which by the end of the weekend, was exactly who I have been since the day I met Jesus: a child of God.

Galatians 2:20
²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

It's easy to define myself by my size, my job as mom or my life as a wife. It's also easy to define myself by what I'm not. That's where we can really get screwed up.
I am so thankful to the women at my church, they are honest, loving and real. For every fault or problem I think is only mine to have, they remind me humbly that they too have struggles and difficulties. It was the perfect environment to be a "weight watcher". I never felt embarrassed to tell someone that I was counting points and I never felt pressure to just eat whatever. Thank you girls!

I'll blog more about retreat later, I just wanted to preface my weekly progress with my experience at Women's Retreat.

Drum roll: I've lost 2 pounds!
I have more energy, food isn't calling my name at night. I'm drinking tons of water (I drank half a gallon yesterday). I don't forget to take my vitamins and I am not going back for seconds (unless it's veggies or fruit).
I'll share this verse that's a huge (and humbling) help to me.

Philipians 2:13
for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure

The difference between knowing and doing.

We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are. 

-Adelle Davis 

Knowing nutrition is far different than living nutrition. I know what's good and what's bad. When I lost weight in college, I used the Prism program (lovingly referred to be fellow church members as "The Prison Program") with my Mom at church. The basis of the program was basically this: God made certain foods for our bodies & our bodies know how to process them. Man made certain foods  and they screw up our body. In this program I learned about omega oils, calories, food branding that made food appear to be "healthy", how to read food labels & that drinking water is paramount to weight loss. Once I became a mother, I put many of these ideas into practice- with my kids. I also researched heavily, choosing a very "natural" route for parenting. Breastfeeding until the wean themselves, making my own baby food, eating well instead of unnecessary doctor visits. Mae had thrush as a baby while I nursed her. Instead of antibiotics, my doctor recommended acidophilus for her and grape fruit seed extract for me. It worked! My approach to medical care is that God gave us certain plants, herbs, supplements on this Earth and I will use them. This might be TMI, but the last time I had a yeast infection, I cured myself with stuff in my fridge. Plain yogurt, garlic and Vitamin C. Cameron lovingly referred to me as a "Buffet healer".

I literally want to be Chris Traeger.

I have recommended numerous natural remedies to family and friends, I've also referred our doctor to several friends. This is a part of my "weight loss journey" that I've pondered quite a bit. Since I so heavily rely on natural remedies for myself and family, why would I not rely on good food for myself to have a whole body? Simple: it's easy to have the knowledge, hard to put it to practice.

I think it falls into two categories.

The first is well summed up in Matthew 7:5:

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

I am good at seeing what everyone else needs to do to fix something. Call it big sister syndrome. Call it for what it is: sin nature. I will solve your problems while overlooking my own!

The second is, I like to share knowledge. I have a head full of it (pun intended) and I want you to know about it! Good music- I have a band you should listen to. History? Yeah, let me sum that up for you in relation to current events. I tend to be a know-it-all. I've toned it down a bit in the past few years. I think that's something that growing older does, you realize how much you don't know.

Now that I'm being held accountable for weight loss, I want to put into practice what I know. That way my knowledge holds authority and truth. It's not just me ranting like a crazy hippie.

***
I want to thank everyone for their kind words and encouragement from my last blog post. It's really been swell seeing the response. I'll keep everyone up to date on what I'm doing. So far I really like the balance of this program and the emphasis on healthy living. Not only do you track "points", you track your vitamin, oil, water, fruit/veggie and dairy intake. You also keep track of your activity during the day. I'm not hungry or grouchy. I'm content.

Fat Betty & I.

Betty Francis, Weight Watchers member.*

I am officially a card carrying member of Weight Watchers.
Official. It's printed out, I've got the app on my phone and I'm watching my points.

If you know me, you might have noticed, I'm overweight. I'm the chubby mom in stretch pants I never wanted to be.

I might have this outfit.

We'll start from 5th grade, as most girls are well aware is when the proverbial "S&^%" hits the fan concerning our self-image. My mother graciously called it an "awkward phase". I will call it getting beat with the awkward stick. I gained weight, got some little boobies, my two front adult teeth were roughly the size needed for tree chewing (while my canines had been pulled too early and the adult teeth were no-shows), I had warts on my hands & under my nails. Thank you Jesus for the baggy pseudo-grunge look of the mid-90's!

Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder!

By the time I was 12, I had thinned out. I still had a few warts on my hands, my teeth were still gigantic, my eyebrows were in a downward spiral towards "caterpillar". I stayed thin until I was 15. Then I got mono. That mono triggered fibromyalgia. I plumped up, got sick, ended up in home study for awhile.
I stayed about the same weight all through high school. I was far more academic than sports oriented. If you have seen me attempt any sport, you will understand. I recently went through several high school pictures with my reunion coming up. I realized how BIG I was. I found a picture of me in a high school play, Dracula.

Jennifer and I in a Tony award worthy scene.

My graduation pictures are painful to look at. I literally look like a blueberry. I'm in all blue and my last name was Berry.

My Freshman year of college was different than most, I lost weight. I lost about 40 pounds. I was skinny! I was cute! I was single! I could wear a size 6 jeans. In May of 2004 I met Cameron. I was still looking pretty svelte. In fact, he and I had two pairs of jeans that we shared. No joke. It was an interesting time in the music scene. 

Halloween 2004, Cameron is me. He's wearing my clothes and make-up.

I happily married Cameron in October 2005 (after a bit of weight loss and toning up). Then, in March 2006 I found out I was pregnant! It was a shock. By the time Josiah was born, I weighed 220 pounds. You read that right. I choose to blame 8 lbs. 15 oz on Josiah. The rest is due to Del Taco.

This was the day I was let go from my job, I was  about 26 weeks.
Yikes.

I did a good job to lose the Josiah weight. Breastfeeding really helped. I was down to about 160 when I got pregnant with Mae.

We love Seattle and we love each other! October 2007.

I was really, really good about not overindulging when I was pregnant with Mae. I craved things like strawberries and feta cheese (together). I wanted vinegar on everything. I only gained about 30 pounds (9 pounds of that being Mae!). I started to lose it again quickly with breastfeeding and following around a 20 month old. In November of 2008, I started noticing this weird pain I would get in my chest. It would radiate around my entire torso. It would happen at night after I had a yogurt or something with a high fat content. On New Year's Day, I was sitting on my parent's living room floor going through kid's clothes my cousin had just brought for Josiah. All of a sudden I had one of the attacks, but it was like labor pain. My mom sat and did Lamaze breathing with me until Cameron got there to take me to the hospital. They sent me home with vicodin for pain and instructions to see my doctor. They should have admitted me. My gallbladder was about to burst. After a weekend of being sicker than I've ever been, I went to see my doctor. I had nothing in my belly. My milk was drying up for Mae. I only drank water to keep my milk up. Everything I tried to eat was thrown back up (by the time I was in the hospital, I was throwing up bile). I went to see my doctor and she sent me to the emergency room for emergency surgery. I spent the next four days in the hospital waiting for surgeries, not eating, etc. In about a week I lost 14 pounds.

I highly recommend the gallbladder removal diet!

I can't vouch for what I'm wearing, but check out the Newsboys.

When I left the hospital, I vowed not eat poorly, to keep the weight off. My poor eating habits had landed me in the hospital at the ripe old age of 24.

Did I do it? Did I stick to it? Nah.

Feb. 2010.  Song of Solomon conference with Mark Driscoll.

That basically brings us up to date on my chubby girl history.

I hate to see myself in pictures. I refuse to get family portraits with me in them. I have gone through Cameron's phone and deleted pictures of myself. My FB pictures are deceiving. I usually only take face pics. I also have this annoying rash on my inner thigh from my legs rubbing together in the heat. It's gross. It makes me think of The Simpsons where Bart dreams of being the fattest man in the world & he brags "I wash myself with a rag on a stick".

I'm tired of buying clothes and having the buttons gape. I'm sick of finding new varicose veins. I want to look good in lingerie for my husband. I want to be the mom that can go in the bounce house with her kids without feeling like every part of her body is jiggling.

I'm ready to feel good about my body.

Here's where I'm at and what my goals are:


*Deep breath* 
I currently weigh 180 pounds. 
My next goal in 10% loss at 162 pounds
My end goal is 135 pounds. 

I'm ready for the challenge. I have no one to blame but me. I owe this to myself, my husband and my children. I especially owe this to God. He made me. I should take care of my body for that very reason. I'm done being selfish.



*If you're keeping up with Mad Men you know that this season Betty Francis (formerly Draper) has gained weight and is now attending Weight Watchers meetings. For the first time ever, I relate to Betty on the show.